You Are Not the Center of the Universe…I Am

I have very harsh news to break to you…you are not the center of the universe. Repeat after me, “I, (insert your name), am not the center of the universe.”

I don’t care how late you are, how many bags you are carrying, how heavy they are, how awful your day was, how angry you are at your boss, partner, child, parent, self, or that the 300 lb man on the subway crunched your foot under his shoe effectively squashing your toes, scuffing your new sandals, and ruining your perfect day old pedicure. Why don’t I care? Because you are not the center of the universe. Repeat after me, “I, (insert your name), am not the center of the universe.”

And here is the reality. I am late, I am always late, it is a flaw I am actively working on because I usually begin beating myself up and having heart attack inducing anxiety over running late. I do indeed walk and climb stairs faster than you do. I don’t care how fast you are, I am faster…do not underestimate me. My bag will always be heavier than yours. Seriously, if you doubt me just swap with me for a moment. I cannot leave my apartment without carrying everything I might need in case of a natural disaster on my shoulders. You will mock me until you desperately need a sip of water or a Band-Aid or an extra pen or lotion for your hands. Do not mock the Marry Poppins’ bag.

I may be small, but that does not give you permission to spread out as far as you possibly can while standing or sitting on public transportation next to me. I do not want you thigh touching my thigh. I do not want your ass bumping into my back. I do not want you bag with some pointy hard object smashing in to my side every time the bus hits a bump or the subway comes to a screeching halt. If you happen to be standing over me while I am sitting, please refrain from dripping your ice cream or coffee on my lap. If you must travel during rush hour times you must, I repeat, MUST wear deodorant. It is not acceptable to make your fellow subway riders smell your pits while you flap about or find the highest railing to grab a hold of.

We are all pissed at the constantly rising price of metro cards and the fact that our hard earned money seems to buy us less and less these days. That does not give you permission to take over and act like you own the fucking subway car or bus. When you enter a crowded subway car it is beyond rude to stop at the door, the world cannot carry on just because you made it into the car before the doors closed in your face. Another note to you stand by the door folks…if people are trying to get off, MOVE. Your fat ass does not need to block the door just because you need to be able to conveniently exit at your stop, which appears to be at least ten stops form where you first got on. Same goes for the bus.

In short, fellow public transportation riders, wear deodorant, do not clip your finger or toenails, do not eat sunflower seeds with shells that require spitting out, do not eat food that reeks to high heavens and makes your fellow passengers want to puke (FYI, Doritos fall into that category for me), do not listen to your iPod so loudly that I get to enjoy whatever you are listening to as well, do not swing around your heavy bags so they hit fellow passengers, do not take up more space than you really need, do not stand in front of the doors, and do not get in my way. Thank you and have a nice day.

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About djunapassman

I teach yoga, write, and edit. I live in a Brooklyn neighborhood that is changing faster than I can, or care to, keep up with. Manhattan still beckons me to her island a few subways stops away, reminding me of when I lived amongst her daily hustle and bustle.
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