Bare with me here, this is going to be a bit of self-centered pondering. It was bound to happen, right? And besides, aren’t all blogs really just a bunch of self-centered hooey anyway? I couldn’t disappoint all of you faithful reader, of whom there appear to be more and more of lately, by not going on a self-centered meandering at some point in this blog’s annals.
I spent the better part of the day searching and applying for jobs. Now this is nothing new in my life. I have essentially been doing this for the past year. Longer really because I passionately hated the last full-time job I had and before I became so depressed and burnt out I could do nothing but lay on my couch and wallow in my misery I did actually spend large chunks of time (at work of course) searching for jobs that might have proven to be less miserable. Today however, there was a huge shift in the types of jobs I was looking and applying for. It was frightening. I am starting all over again. And while it feels right, it also feels very, very scary. I just turned thirty last month. Am I really embarking on yet another career change? Yes, yes I am. My heart says, “Go!” My brain says, “What the fuck?”
I went to dinner with a friend last night and as we were walking to the elevators in her building she said, “You’re having a good year.” This caused me to pause, I mean really pause, i.e., stop dead in my tracks. How has this been a good year? I have not once this year stopped and thought, “This is a good year.” I have essentially been unemployed all year. I have had a lot of lows. This year has been one of great personal discoveries…the hard way, of course. It has been a year of struggle in many ways. And yet, in so many ways this has been a good year for me. I had the courage not to take several jobs doing what I left, doing what I do not want to do with my life, doing what I realized does not make me happy or leave me feeling fulfilled. I turned down steady paychecks and benefits, pretty scary (or stupid) in this economy. I did a lot of dancing, choreographing, and performing with my own company and others…that left me very happy and fulfilled. I got to spend a lot of time with my friend’s awesome baby. And…I completed a yoga teacher-training program that has now led me to my new job search. I suppose in all reality, it has been a good year.
I was reading the blog of a former yoga teacher who recently moved out of NYC. She had a quote by Joseph Campbell that got me thinking, more than just about the need to revisit his writing. The quote she posted was:
“If you can see your path laid out in front of you step by step, you know it’s not your path. Your own path you make with every step you take. That’s why it’s your path.”
This led me to stumble across my own Joseph Campbell quote:
“We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.”
I need to be willing to truly let go of everything I thought I wanted, everything I worked so hard for, and simply let it go. I need to let go of what I had planned for and accept that even while still partially holding on to what I had planned for the life that has been waiting for me has been slowly assembling itself. It’s time to work toward some new things and accept that no matter how much hard work and planning go into something, sometimes it still comes crumbling down around our feet, leaving us dumbfounded, lost, and in need of a map that just doesn’t exist.