Trader Joe’s Saved My Life and Stole My Sanity

So as you know, I have been sick for the last week. (If you do not know, shame on you for not reading the previous blog post, because that surely means you are not following this blog intently enough.) This also means I’ve had no appetite. Now, if my body lost weight proportionately to where it stores fat this would not be a problem. However, my body thinks it must lose all weight from the waist up…where I have no fat to start with. My butt will hold on to its extra meat for dear life never changing in shape or size. This means that by day five I begin to look a little like a concentration camp victim with ribs visible in my chest and bones jutting out of my shoulders and upper back from places I bet you didn’t even know you had bones. And of course, the barely existent boobs become nonexistent. What’s even better? When I start gaining weight again it begins accumulating on my butt before heading north again. It is awesome.

And now for our story…I trekked to Trader Joe’s late Sunday morning. I had braced myself ahead of time for the crowds, not only is Trader Joe’s ALWAYS crowded, but it was also the last weekend day before Thanksgiving. In previous years Trader Joe’s becomes a mad house of NYC characters ran sacking the shelves for all of their Thanksgiving needs. Still, I had not adequately prepared myself for this year’s revelry. Before I even reached the door I saw a LONG line. I know I should be getting used to these long lines. People were lined up for over a block waiting for the wine store to open. It wouldn’t be an official holiday without enough alcohol to obliterate all memory of the event, or at the very least make your family tolerable.

When I managed to get inside the grocery store I was met by tons of hungover NYU students stocking up for a long weekend with no school cafeterias open, young couples fighting over what to buy for their Thanksgivings, and several autistic kids who were freaking out because it was so crowded. Who the hell brings their autistic toddler to Trader Joe’s on a Sunday morning? Oh yeah, and then there was the little old Asian lady with the Sally Jesse Raphael glasses who refused to move anytime the workers were trying to come through with boxes or carts, just staring at them indignantly. I intended to get holiday cookies for a cookie taste test my friend and I will be conducting shortly, but had to grab exactly what was on my list and run for fear of melting down like one of the autistic kids.

This is where Trader Joe’s comes in and saves my life. They have these amazing sea salt brownie bites. They were one of the very few items that still remained on the shelves. All of you Thanksgiving shoppers are just plain nuts for not buying these. Don’t even try to kid yourselves that the ones you will attempt to make will taste better. Just put them on a pretty plate and no one will know the difference. Anyway, your loss, my gain. I bought these with the intent of bringing them on the retreat my dancers and I are going on this weekend. When I got home and unpacked my bags I suddenly felt hunger pangs as I picked up the container of brownie bites. I decided I would open the container and have one. Well, one turner into two, and…you all know where this story is headed. My appetite had returned long enough to eat a container of brownies thus canceling out the five days of subsisting off English muffins and tea. I dare say my butt looked a little bigger the following morning, a sure sign of my returning health.


About djunapassman

I teach yoga, write, and edit. I live in a Brooklyn neighborhood that is changing faster than I can, or care to, keep up with. Manhattan still beckons me to her island a few subways stops away, reminding me of when I lived amongst her daily hustle and bustle.
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