Today nothing went as planned. I mean NOTHING. I was being beaten over the head, again and again and again, with the pathetic reality that I am not in charge. No matter how much I want to be in control, no matter how much I plan and put those stupid ducks in a row, I am not in charge. Fact of the matter is, we all have very little control. I am not saying we should just sit on the couch saying, “Woe is me,” shoveling Haagen Dazs into our mouths straight from the carton while watching television all day long. Although, that isn’t a bad idea once in a while. I am simply saying, that in the grand scheme of things…shit happens. Babies are born. People get sick. People die. Trains don’t run when they are supposed to. Indoor plumbing takes a moment to remind us of just how lucky we are to have indoor plumbing and how lost we are without it. And in the midst of it all unexpected, pleasant surprises that could not have occurred had things gone as planned.
More than a day that did not go as planned, I had a day filled with emotions. It was like an extra day of PMS this month…for free. It was awesome…really, it was. Once upon a time I probably would have been angry, fuming really, at the fact that I had no control over twelve hours of unplanned for mini disasters. I noticed myself slipping into my old pattern of directionless anger and consciously let it go. Unfortunately, I have never done this before today so what came next was as unexpected as the way the day unfolded. I did a good job of turning the anger at myself for a brief period of time, guess I was overdue for a good self-berating session. Then frustration. I like being in control. I like when things go as planned. Had I not been in public when the frustration surfaced you can bet there would have been a temper tantrum. Once my desire to throw myself on the pavement and kick and scream for a while passed I felt profound sadness. Sadness over the fact that I am not in control. Sadness over the fact that my day was not going to go the way I wanted it to no matter what I did. Sadness over the fact that my life has not been going the way I wanted, or thought I wanted, it to go for quite some time now. Sadness over the fact that this is life, for myself and for everyone else…it does not go as planned. Then I found a place of acceptance. Once I accepted my day as it was I was able to find some contentment within what was occurring. And then I felt sadness over the fact that it took me so long to reach acceptance and contentment. Then a little angry that it took me so long to be okay with my day, a perfect circle within a not so perfect day. I probably should have just stayed in bed like I wanted to this morning, even if it meant missing out on another life lesson.