I have been in a bit of a funk lately. I have not been able to put my finger on exactly what has been wrong. Nothing has been massively wrong, but no part of my life has been more than mildly okay either. Lately it just feels like life has got the best of me and I don’t have a fighting chance. Joseph Campbell says, “The black moment is the moment when the real message of transformation is going to come. At the darkest moment comes the light.” It’s been pretty dark these past few weeks, but I also feel like I am standing on the precipice of great change and transformation. (If you have not been following this blog closely, or simply have a poor memory, I struggle with change.)
I have these foggy, very inaccurate memories of other major changes in my life causing less internal turbulence. In hindsight it’s easy to remember the positive and cancel out the negative. When I really pause to remember, with as little distortion as one can, I find myself face to face with the fact that nothing I am feeling or struggling with is new to me. This is my broken record of facing major life changes. I have not yet learned how to deal with the massive shifting, the blackest moments, with ease or grace. To my credit, I am still very young, the number of major life changes I have faced pales in comparison to someone as little as ten years my senior. The fact that I noticing this at all should count for something, right?
I find myself returning to Joseph Campbell a lot these days. I find there are a lot of not so easily defined tears. There is a heaviness and hardness to each day. The need to create a cocoon of sorts feels impossible and yet necessary. None of this is new. All of this accompanies my moments of needing to let go of one thing so that I may fully embrace something new. It’s the letting go that is so hard. The familiar is nice, even when it’s not so nice anymore. The new, no matter how right it feels, could very easily fall apart and equal complete failure. Joseph Campbell eloquently says, “We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.” He also candidly points out, “Your life is the fruit of your own doing. You have no one to blame but yourself.” I have only myself to blame, whether I let go and accept what is waiting for me or fall back into the life I had planned.