This is what I know about life. I know absolutely nothing. No matter how prepared I may be, no matter how much planning I do, sometimes things just happen. There are things I simply cannot control. Life takes its course. While planning and preparing allow for seizing opportunities, they do not ensure that everything will stay on track and go exactly as planned, when planned. Yes Dad, I can hear your voice in my head right now saying, “Everything happens for a reason.”
I found myself gravitating to Pema Chodron’s book When Things Fall Apart, for the umpteenth time tonight. If nothing else, it is a reminder that things fall apart for everyone. And, surprisingly enough, everyone gets through this falling apart.
“This falling apart is a kind of testing and also a kind of healing. We think that the point is to pass the test or to overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don’t really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It’s just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy.” And so I am letting there be room right now.
I am letting myself be without judging anything. The analytical, problem-solving part of my brain is in overdrive right now. I can actually feel a pulsing pain in one part of my head as I write this. I am trying to tune it out, let the data through its machinery over and over and over again, while I stay out of the way. I am allowing space for the flurry of emotions that are coming so quickly I cannot even begin to name them all. I know that sleeping on this will help. I also know that the emotions will slow and the thoughts will quiet, allowing me solitary time with the most important emotions and thoughts to surface after this storm. “When there’s a big disappointment, we don’t know if that’s the end of the story. It may just be the beginning of a great adventure.”