I’ve shared how little I like change, but I don’t think I have shared the one thing that gets me even more than change…not knowing. I start to lose my marbles rather quickly when left in a state of not knowing for too long. Waiting to hear if I got a job I want, for instance. It makes me cranky and leads me to catastrophic thinking after a few days. It also leads to incessant email checking, which seriously detracts from time that could, and should, be spent in far more productive ways.
The state of not knowing is basically a reminder that I am not in charge. I am not calling the shots here. It is also a reminder of the impermanence of all things…everything is always changing. Oh goody, change. The reality is, no matter what the answer, there will be change. Job. No job. Expectations met. Expectations unfulfilled. There will be change no matter what. There will be more unknown, no matter what. As Pema Chodron so eloquently reminds us, “That nothing is static or fixed, that all is fleeting and impermanent, is the first mark of existence. It is the ordinary state of affairs.” All of this unknown is a reminder that I am not only alive, but existing in what is the “ordinary state of affairs.” Great. I guess I’d better get used to all of this discomfort caused by not knowing.