The leaves on some of the tress outside my window have started to change colors. As beautiful as it is, it feels too early, too sudden. I’m not ready. Summer flew by this year. I don’t exactly mind. Most of the summer was marked by awful weather that felt intolerable. Stunted by my own fears and doubts about what the future would hold the only thing I did whole-heartedly, and in excess, was worry. And here I am, having just stepped through the door of autumn, feeling jipped over a summer that didn’t hold as many adventures as I had hoped for, or even one swim in the ocean.
The last two weeks of my life contained as many drastic and sudden changes as the leaf colors I currently see outside of my window while typing this. Something had begun to shift over the last month. Very slowly I had begun taking baby steps toward what I thought I wanted. I started paying attention and being really present in my life. I observed the subtle shifts in how I felt and what made me feel comfortable, content, happy, and what made me feel uncomfortable, irritated, and angry. When I was able to let go of the things that weren’t making me happy I did. When I wasn’t I asked myself lots and lots of questions and found that I actually could let go, it just meant not letting my fear and anxiety take the driver’s seat…really scary, but a hell of a lot better than being miserable. I have a lot of experience being miserable, especially at work, I will never allow myself to slip into that way of being ever again.
Two weeks ago I went on lots and lots of job interviews. Seriously, we’re talking up to three a day. Every job I had applied to in the last few weeks resulted in a response. People were interested in what I had to offer and I was open to new possibilities. I learned a lot about myself, other people, and reaffirmed what I want to be able to give and learn from the work I do. In the midst of all this I found myself applying for a position I had seen posted months and months ago but hesitated to apply for. My insecurities prevented me from completing and submitting the application. Here it was again. I was being given a second chance. I submitted everything and within an hour received a response. The next day I was interviewing for the job. After teaching an audition class and one more interview I found myself in a staff meeting, six days after submitting my application. And suddenly, with no preparation or real planning I have a new job. I feel unprepared, caught off guard, and more exhilarated and alive than I have in a while. My life is changing rapidly, right along with the leaves outside my window. If I can get out of the way and not get overwhelmed by all the changes this might turn out to be a really beautiful autumn in more ways than one.