I am really bad at letting things go sometimes. Despite the fact that I, nor any of you, can change the past, my brain likes to dwell there, rehashing what happened and playing over and over and over again what I wish I had said or done. It is futile, I know that, and yet, I continue to go to that place. My meditation time is plagued with coaxing my mind back to observing each exhale while it somehow manages to escape to the land of, “if I had only said this” on every inhale. Why can’t I just let it go? By dwelling in the past I am robbing myself of the present moment and making it even harder to positively impact the rapidly approaching future. No matter how many fabulous responses I come up with after the fact what actually happened remains the same. The bottom line is, I want to be the winner, the one who was right. I do not like feeling as though someone else got the upper hand or the last word.
“To lead a life that goes beyond pettiness and prejudice and always wanting to make sure that everything turns out on our own terms, to lead a more passionate, full, and delightful life than that, we must realize we can endure a lot of pain and pleasure for the sake of finding out who we are and what this world is.” ~ Pema Chodron