It has been a very long time since I have posted to this blog. It has been a very long time since I have written anything at all. The last three months have felt like a bit of a whirlwind. I started a new job at the end of September and quickly found myself getting farther and farther away from…well, myself. I was working long hours with little to no time for anything other than work. I was tired all the time, really tired. I was sick all the time, really sick. I didn’t hate my job as I have hated other jobs in the past. I was doing work that I loved for the most part. I felt fulfilled by work most days. Still, I was not really happy or fulfilled as a whole person. It all felt very confusing. I didn’t have much time to really ponder anything so I just kept going. And going. And going. And going. Until I felt like I couldn’t do anything anymore. I hadn’t been to a yoga class in months there literally was no time unless I went at 6:00am or 8:00pm, neither of which my body handles very well. I had stopped dancing and choreographing, I had stopped having ideas or finding inspirations for new dances. I wasn’t writing, I would start a thought get a few sentences in and abandon ship. Finding time to meet up with friends felt all but impossible because of my early start and late end times at work. I wasn’t even finding time to read anymore. Too much had been lost and yet I didn’t know what to do. I had a job I didn’t hate that paid my bills. It seemed foolish to let that go. If I drastically cut back my hours I would no longer be able to pay all my bills. I felt stuck. In some ways it was a blessing not to have too much free time to think about all of this for very long.
As with almost everything in life, things got far worse before they started to get better. I scheduled a meeting with my bosses. I prepared for the worst while hoping for the best. Thankfully, they were open to what I had to say and I was brave enough to let my needs be known. My schedule would shift, my responsibilities and role at work would shift, and I felt invigorated. I felt like I could make it through one more month now that there was a light at the end of the tunnel. Then I was working even more hours, even more exhausted, and coming to a place of almost hating my job. I wanted out. The light at the end of the tunnel felt taunting instead of hopeful. I kept pushing through knowing that sometimes we just have to tough it out. I toughed it out. I am out of the tunnel…I hope.