I am going to share something that is painfully revealing and a little embarrassing because, as I have discussed previously (https://littlerantsfromthebigcity.wordpress.com/2013/06/25/shared-feelings-and-experiences/) it is important to share our darker pieces and it is through sharing that we allow ourselves to connect and feel less alone in our experiences. I have been feeling deeply and intensely inadequate lately. This feeling is so deep right now that I actually had a dream about my own failings last night. In my dream I was teaching a yoga class and the owner of the studio, also one of my teachers in the teacher training program I completed, was taking this class. It was a restorative class and things fell apart with the very first pose I put the class into then got progressively worse, I lost control of the class, people were standing up instead of lying down, students were talking over me, I couldn’t regain control of the class or right the wrong ways in which I was teaching poses. Not only was I failing as a teacher I was disappointing someone who has given me so much. I woke up totally distraught.
I had been coasting into this place of inadequacy infiltrating every aspect of my being for a while and then something happened earlier this week that crashed me into this I’m-not-good-enough brick wall. There are a number of surface issues I am in the process of facing and fixing that have brought my deeper seeded issues that allow me to feel not quite good enough or successful enough bubbling up. These are not feelings that are unfamiliar, but they feel far more uncomfortable than they have in the past. A sign of growth? A sign that there have been shifts? Or a sign that core issues have been hit far deeper and more unexpectedly than I had thought possible? I’m not really sure yet.
Yesterday I taught a yoga class, a private really, only one student showed up. I shared this quote by Brother David Steindl-Rast with her: “In daily life we must see that is it not happiness that makes up grateful, but gratefulness that makes us happy.” She paused and commented, “That is really hard, especially in this city.” I fully agree with her. New York City is filled with super successful people who at face value seem to have it all, designer material goods, amazing food, incredible experiences, the list goes on and on. Realizing that it is not the better relationship, better apartment, better job, etc. that will make us happy, but an acceptance and gratitude for what we already have that will lead to happiness is not an easily grasped concept. I also spoke about the fact that deep down we already have everything we need. Yoga and meditation help us peel away the outer layers, just like an onion, that cover and cloud our true selves, the pieces of us that are perfect just as they are. The lesson I am grappling with right now. I am good enough just as I am. Maybe if I say it to myself often enough I will finally start to believe it and embrace it as truth.