I found myself laying in bed before the alarm went off this morning, head racing, heart pounding, sweaty palms, dry mouth, upset tummy…nothing like waking up to an anxiety attack. I used to wake up like this regularly, but my anxiety has been fairly manageable lately. First things first, I panicked over whether or not I had set the alarm for the right time and if it was indeed going to go off. Then I panicked that I was wasting precious minutes of sleep getting so worked up over the alarm and what time it was. (I know, I know, rational minds reading this are thinking, “Why the hell didn’t you just check your alarm clock?”) Fortunately, the alarm went off shortly into this tizzy of thoughts. I took a few deep breaths, had my morning green juice, poured myself some coffee, and sat down to write my morning pages.
I started to write out all that could be causing this level of anxiety. Was it the client who texted me last night saying she wasn’t sure she would be able to make her session in the morning and she would let me know in the morning? I do not do well with ambiguity. I like my schedule, and I like to know it well in advance. (I’m also failing miserably as far as setting and keeping clear boundaries regarding cancellations with this client…more anxiety.) Was it the fact that I finally reached out to my friend generously willing to help me build my yoga business saying I was ready to talk business and we set a date to meet this week? I have been hemming and hawing and digging my heels in despite knowing that it is time to take a leap of faith and grow. Was it remaining full moon/lunar eclipse energy? I am hugely affected by full moons. Lack of sleep two nights in a row? The moon’s fault – I can’t sleep when the moon is full. The yoga class I took the previous day that was 90% inversions? Was that simply too much blood to my already over-active brain? Was it recent events that trudged up old feelings and emotions leaving me to realize how much work and healing I still have to do? Why can’t I just be the perfect, pulled together adult everybody thinks everyone else is? Was my anxiety linked to anything at all? It isn’t always linked to something specific, and it is never linked to anything rational to the non-anxiety ridden brain. Conclusion…who the hell knows!
I share this because I know I am not the only one struggling to keep anxiety in check. I share this because at the end of a very long day, I can laugh at myself and how unnecessarily I get worked up over things. I share this because I know I am not the only one who gets stuck in her head and pulled out of the present moment by anxiety. I think the best any of us can do at times is to take a few deep breaths and learn to laugh at ourselves. This too shall pass.