I went for a long, late-night walk under the full moon last night. This full moon was said to bring great healing. Things have been difficult for me over the last several weeks. Some things unraveled last night making me feel like I hit my rock bottom in many ways. I felt like the universe had sucker punched me…hard. I felt like I had hit my head of my proverbial rock bottom which left me feeling disoriented and dizzy. I found it hard to breathe, hard to simply be, but I also understood on a very deep level that everything that had recently happened and everything I thought I could control that had suddenly unraveled had occurred so I could heal. Healing, I see now, is ugly, messy, painful, and hard.
I’ve been reading, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead by Brené Brown. And, quite frankly, it is kicking my ass. It is forcing me to look at the ways I approach relationships, my work, and life. It is never easy to take a long hard look at the parts of ourselves we don’t like so much and the parts of ourselves that prevent us from living and loving as fully as we could. However, I believe that it is necessary to honestly look inward, especially as relationships are ending or beginning. I recently ended a short-lived relationship that was unhealthy and damaging in a lot of ways. I also recently experienced a very painful friend break up, one that involved a child I helped raise and love as my own. While nothing I have read dampened the pain, there are things that finally make sense. I finally see why I reacted the ways that I did, what part in everything I played, and how things I blamed myself for were not actually my fault at all. (I have a tendency to blame myself for everything, part of my perfectionism and defense mechanisms, so this has been the hardest piece for me.) Amidst the devastation I have become more aware of the work I need to do to build healthier future relationships and strengthen the existing relationships I have. There is indeed healing beginning to occur amidst the rubble.
I woke up this “morning” around noon…something that is unheard of for me, I just don’t sleep in that late – ever. I felt thoroughly beaten up physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I knew the emotional overwhelm from the relationship breakups I just shared would make focusing on the facts and rational problem solving for other issues (ones too personal to share at the moment) nearly impossible. That would mean asking for help…something I am awful at doing because despite tons of work around this issue, it makes me feel like a failure. Asking for help would also mean openly admitting what was going on and how bad it actually was, no more glossing over it all or pretending it didn’t exist. After lots and lots of tears, a couple of cups of coffee, and some journaling, I admitted to myself that things are bad, but they could be worse. I asked for help from someone I knew would not judge me or express disappointment in me. And while, I am still sitting on my rock bottom licking my wounds, I know the only direction is up. I know the only answer is to allow healing, which means staying open, as painful as that is right now.