It has been exactly two months since I last posted. With the new year literally days away, I thought it time to write one last post in 2015. This is one year I will be very glad to bid adieu to. I am ready for a fresh start.
Three weeks ago, to this day, my beloved cat, Maud, passed away. She was diagnosed with intestinal cancer a little less than a month before our 9 and a half years together ended. She had a peaceful ending at home and took her last breath while being held in my arms. In many ways, her passing felt like the ending of one chapter of my life. She was with me for a truly transformative decade.
Maud’s passing came right on the heels of some painful experiences. A friendship entwined with people I considered family and a little girl I love as my own and spent a tremendous amount of time with ended abruptly. Things had been more than a little rocky for almost two years, but the ending was very harsh and sudden. Over the summer I dated someone who was fun and easy to be around. Unfortunately, sometimes things that seem too good to be true are indeed too good to be true. This gentleman was not faithful to me, or the other woman. After a brief separation, he expressed missing me and wanting to give things between us a second chance. Against my better judgment, I agreed, and, surprise, surprise, he continued to cheat on me. Things between us ended for good right around the time the friendship I just mentioned ended as well. I spent a lot of time asking why I allowed myself to be treated so poorly in both of these relationships. In the end, I realized the whys were far less important than the lessons that came from the chaos and hurt.
Amidst the grief and soul searching there have been some beautiful gifts. Once I was freed from the toxic relationships there was time to truly invest in, and notice, the amazing people I have in my life. I am surrounded by generous, loving, and kind people, who accept and support me in-spite of my quirks and imperfections. One of my wise students reminded me that the same person who was treated poorly is also cherished and treated well by others. One of my new mantras has become, “I am loved.” Despite feeling unloved and unworthy in some relationships, I have been surrounded by love and reminded of my worth within other relationships recently. I’ve also been repeatedly saying this quote by Judith Hanson Lasater to myself; “I’m going to be okay even if I’m not okay.” Things may be messy and painful right now, but there is so much love in my life and I have so many wonderful things beginning to transpire. 2016 is going to be my year.