This morning I arrived at my first client’s home significantly early. The sun was out and there are beautiful gardens with benches surrounding my client’s building so I decided to sit outside and get some fresh air. I began watching the clouds drift through the sky. I started to settle into my breath and felt the physical tension of my rush hour commute begin to dissipate. I started to feel small in the grand scheme of things. The weight of my emotions started to lift ever so slightly.
Waves of grief over people I have lost and ways my life has changed recently have been washing over me lately. I know the feelings will pass and this is part of the process, but I wish all of it would just hurry up and pass already. I have found myself feeling fearful of fully experiencing and expressing joy and excitement over recent events and things to come – I don’t want to jinx anything. The mix of really good and really bad all at the same time has left me feeling confused and ungrounded. Where is the grey area? The boring? The mundane?
I needed to be reminded of how small I am in the grand scheme of things and that everything I am feeling and going through will subside eventually. During the summer, weekly trips to the beach ground me. Swimming in the ocean and looking out at the horizon are humbling. This is not to say I am not important and my feelings, experiences, and actions are invalid, but they are not are not the end all, be it…there is so much more. I get a bit landlocked and nature deprived during winter in the city. What I am experiencing and going through right now is just one cloud passing by in a great big sky filled with other clouds, other experiences and emotions. I am constantly reminding my yoga students not to attach to or over identify with any one emotion or thought that surfaces because it will pass if they observe it without clinging to it. I do believe it is time to put my own words into action.