My life has felt like one ginormous transition over the last six months. A transition into living my life authentically, not holding myself back, going for the scary stuff I never let myself even dream about, taking care of myself, and doing more than just entertaining the idea that I deserve to be happy. There was a lot holding me back, but most importantly was the fact that I, and my old thought patterns and ways of being were holding me back. I spent way too much of my life looking at myself though a lens of not being good enough or worthy enough, and I allowed people into my life who also viewed me through that lens. Letting go of that and focusing on relationships with people who view me as good enough just as I am, and continually remind me to do the same, has felt like a magical revelation.
And while I have felt happier, freer, and healthier over the last few months than I have in a long time, there has been a lot of pain too. There is a tremendous amount of loss and letting go required for change to occur – and with that, grieving. Just because a relationship or situation was unhealthy does not mean that we do not miss it and grieve it as we move into healthier ways of being. There are holes left, along with sadness and confusion.
Over the weekend I came face to face with a piece of my past, a former identity, that it is time to fully let go of. A no longer healthy relationship that has run its course and immersion in work that connect me to this past shone light on things I was content to keep tucked away, safely out of sight. And then…the floodgates opened. I thought I could hold on to these little bits and pieces, but the truth is, I cannot. And so, instead of trying to pick up the remaining broken pieces of what was, I am choosing to clean up what is left and walk away. A skill I am still fumblingly new at employing. And while I feel lighter already, it is because there is a new hole and new grief to process. There is also space for new joy and new adventures now.