There are two things I am really good at, planning and doing way too much until I finally run myself into the ground. I got walloped by lessons reminding me that neither of these things work in my favor. As a prone to anxiety Virgo, I like to have all my ducks in a row, then freak out if anyone tries to shift one of my ducks even half an inch, then rearrange my ducks, then line them all up again, and so on and so forth. Yes, it exhausts and annoys most people, but those closest to me tolerate it for the most part. Last minute schedule changes or cancellations send me into a tizzy. What can I say? I’m a work in progress. Then there is the go, go, go, go, go until I literally run myself into the ground issue. I have been doing it basically all my life, according to my parents (I have steadfastly refused to admit I do this until just a few years ago).
Last week, I woke up with what I thought was a mild cold. As the day progressed, I realized I had far more than a slightly runny nose. I have been really sick, as in, try to do more than one thing and my body revolts by breaking out in cold sweats and developing a fever again sick for the last eight days. For the past two months I have been juggling a schedule that I knew was too much, but I kept telling myself there was an end in sight so it was okay. I neglected myself too much and my body let me know it. Being sick has been exacerbated by the fact that in a week I leave New York City to spend three months in California. I had stuff I wanted to do. I had people I wanted to see. I missed teaching my final classes at one yoga studio. I missed my final sessions with some of my private students. I missed lunches and dinners and drinks with friends I will not see for three months. I had plans. Those plans did not include laying in bed kvetching and sweating out a fever for my last two weeks in the city.
So, on this first day of summer/full moon night (the first on decades), instead of engaging in any of my full moon or equinox rituals, I am grumpily laying in bed with my laptop propped up on a pillow. My patience with myself, being sick, the healing process, letting go in general has been worn to a single, ready to pull apart, thread. Clearly, I still have some lessons to be learned here.